


[Angelus]

by spangel



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Character Study, F/M, M/M, Purple Prose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-03-29 16:42:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3903430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spangel/pseuds/spangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who is he? Why does he want to die?</p>
            </blockquote>





	[Angelus]

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [Duncan, Rachel] by Piggy09, [Bond, James] by ??? (the book that inspired this) and [Walsh, Connor] by matchsticks_p! Haha that's a long list of "inspired by-s". Anyways. I deleted this off ao3 when I was having a Bad Mental Health Day, along with various other fics, so I'm reuploading them.
> 
> Edited on 11/12/15.

_**Approximate number of times** _ [Angel(us)]:

_(Versatile, estimation, pin down)_  Takes cold shower: 30, Takes ice-cold shower: 15, Takes ice-cold shower in a desperate attempt to forget about the monster that boils beneath his skin: unknown, Tries to outrun his past, trips over his knees, falls onto the pavement, bloody: 19, Sleeps with Spike: unknown, Sleeps with Spike because he is angry: 5, Sleeps with Spike because the world is falling and everyone he loves a l w a y s ends up dead, leaving, falling, and Spike is there and he is better than nothing and he is _better_ : unknown.

**_Close calls, scrapes_ ** [Angel(us]:

(NOTES: He’s still here. He is resilient, he is metal. He’s still here. Who is he? Why does he want to die? Why does he change his mind? Why doesn’t he just burn away? Why is he so selfish? People are starving people are dying people are being killed and he’s wasting his life if you can even call it a _life_ he’s wasting it he is s o s e l f i sh. Unknown.)

Buffy, with a sword and a heart that stops beating momentarily;; Spike, with a stake and fire and a knife and and and _and_ ;; Spike, always Spike and his eyes and his hands and and _and_ ;;; Cordelia, Cordelia and the holes in his skin from missing her;;; Connor and the ocean;; Darla and the way her death killed something deep inside of him, cut away at the strings at the nerves and _he would’ve died for her_ , the memory is overload, he _would’ve died for her_ and remembering that is a knife, deep.

_**Dislikes** _ [Angel(us)]:

_Hates, displays aversion to_  Spike. Always Spike, always always _always_ there, always hurting him but _not._

_Also_ nightmares _also_ pleasant dreams _also_ pain _also_ running _also_ confrontation _also_ death _also_ being alive, living, dancing, blurring the lines of _life_ and _death_ _also_ hurting others (unless they deserve it) _also also also_ everything.

**Alternatives** :

1\. “I never loved Spike,” Buffy tells him. She takes his hand. He trembles, shakes, tremors, looks her in the eye and she tells him _I only ever loved you_ and he no longer wants to die.

2\. Spike kills him. He takes the ring.

3\. He never feels true happiness and everything is okay.

4\. He comes back from Hell as a wild animal, and stays that way and Buffy cries and Buffy aches and, soon, Buffy forgets.

5\. “I’m glad it’s you, though, finally doing me in. Feels right.” He kills Spike. Spike doesn’t come back. He does not miss him.

 

**Epigraph** [Angel(us)]:

My God, whom I praise,   
do not remain silent,

  
for people who are wicked and deceitful   


have opened their mouths against me;

        they have spoken against me with lying tongues.

 

With words of hatred they surround me;

they attack me without cause.

In return for my friendship they accuse me,

 

but I am a man of prayer.

They repay me evil for good,

and hatred for my friendship.

Appoint someone evil to oppose my enemy;

let an accuser stand at his right hand.   


When he is tried, let him be found guilty,

and may his prayers condemn him.   


May his days be few;

may another take his place of leadership.   


May his children be fatherless   


    and his wife a widow.   


May his children be wandering beggars;   


   may they be driven from their ruined homes.   


May a creditor seize all he has;   


   may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor.   


May no one extend kindness to him   


     or take pity on his fatherless children.   


May his descendants be cut off,   


    their names blotted out from the next generation.   


 May the iniquity of his fathers be remembered before the Lord;   


     may the sin of his mother never be blotted out.   


May their sins always remain before the Lord,   


     that he may blot out their name from the earth.

 

 [PSALM 109]

 

**Bait** [Angel(us)]:

 

_temptation or lure_ beautiful weapons, knives, punishing the guilty, saving lives, BuffyandSpikeandCordeliaandDarlaandandand, blood, looking death in the eye and saying:  _maybe later,_ clothing, black jackets, necklaces with crosses, meditation, forgetting about all the lives he has taken, pretty girls with throats, beautiful boys who are monsters, coffee, alcohol, escapism.

 

**Forgetting** [Angel(us)]:

 

_scrubs away_ lusting after blood and lusting after blood and lusting after blood, sex, his appearance, William-Pratt-William-The-Bloody-sorry- _Spike_ (never successful), hell dimensions, the ocean, coffins, discarded bodies on the floor, the color red, the color white, bones, voices that sound like bones, collarbones, bodies with cuts down to the bone, sunsets, screams that sound like music, Drusilla's insanity.

 

**Unknown** [Angel(us)]:

 

__ He is not Buffy. He is never Buffy. Buffy is not his weakness.

__ He is not shaking. He stops shaking when he meets the prophecy.

__ He is not pain. He overcomes the pain. He bounces back.

__ He is not a scar. He has never been a scar.

__ He is not going to die. The world will spin on. People will miss him. Technology will advance. He will watch everything from the sidelines. He will never intervene, he will never help anyone. If someone dies, it’s their fault. He has no compassion. His compassion has been stolen, sucked out.

 

Fill in the blanks - 1 = very unlikely 2 = unlikely 3 = somewhat likely 4 = likely 5 = very likely

 

(NOTES: Answer honestly.)

 

**Unknown** [Angel(us)]

 

(NOTES: Take your time.)

 

Who are you? Have you forgotten?

Do you remember? Are you a memory? Do they love you? Do you love anyone? Are you capable of love? Is love painful? Are you a beating heart, are you electricity, are you lightning and thunder? Are you death? Are you in love with death? Are you a natural disaster? Are you the end of the world? Are you the apocalypse? Will you live to see the end of the world? Will your world end when she dies? Would you do anything do save her? Would you do anything to save _him_?

 

Are you happy? Have you ever been happy?

 


End file.
